Dichotomy

Dichotomy - isn't that a fun word to say? It means a division that presents two opposing views. Up until a few years ago, I had never heard the word, much less knew what it meant (thus the outcome of being a perpetual student, I learn something new everyday).

Right now now I have a dichotomy of sorts when it comes to my career. Do I stay in hospitality and accept opportunities that are being placed before me, or do I make an exit strategy that involves me changing careers mid-life? Sort of (well, not really sort of but exactly) starting over. Trading the experience and tenure of the last 22 years for the uncertainty of being the "new kid on the block" who has a lot to learn.

The Clash song "Should I stay or should I go?" comes to mind (my husband might be proud that I knew the group, but don't be too impressed, I Googled it). Where would I go to, you might be asking, and the answer is the world of academia. While there are no opportunities any where close to tapping on my door (much less knocking), I am hoping that (if I can persevere) my PhD will provide those. But, the completion of that is still a few years off, so, I am still left to ponder the question of should I accept opportunities of advancement in my current career?

This is all really just food for thought because I know that in time (have I mentioned that I am not a very patient person?) the right choice will be made clear to me. There is always a lesson in the challenges, decisions, dichotomies of life...my lesson is this-

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path" - Proverbs 3:5-6.

A Lot Can Happen in Three Weeks

Three weeks ago our pastor challenged everyone to a 21 day fast. Facebook was one of the things that I gave up during that time. This was a challenge, and I missed Facebook interactions. So, I tried to keep a mental list of events that took place during the last three weeks- I know everyone was chomping at the bit to know what was going on in my life- like you didn't have anything better to do- hahaha :)

The biggest event was the celebration of Zach's 11th birthday. I can't believe the little boy that rocked my world (and continues to make it very interesting) is on his way to adolescence (cringe....I am not ready for teenage years)! Those of you who know Zach know that he is a bundle of energy that never stops, and at times sends me as close as possible to a nervous breakdown as I could get without going over the edge...I can't imagine life without him. He is loud, rambunctious, and often times difficult...but, has a heart so tender and sweet that it will bring you to tears when he shows it. So, Happy Birthday (again) to Zachary James!

Our saddest event during the last three weeks was the loss of our beloved pet, Patches. She was about as agreeable as a rabid bobcat (haha), but we managed to get along for about 13 years (as long as we knew where we stood- she was in charge). Patches came into our family as a 6-week old kitten when Joseph was around 4/5. She had been with us through many moves, and even though she wasn't a touchy-feely kind of cat, we liked having her around. During week two she started acting funny, and by that Saturday she could not stand up on here own. So Scott and me loaded her up and took her to the UT Vet Emergency Room on a Saturday night where we spent close to $500 only to say good-bye to her. I didn't think that I even liked her that much (it was her sole desire to see how early in the morning she could make me get up to let her either out or into the garage), but I could not turn off the tears as we made the choice to let her go. Turned out she had an aggressive form of lymphoma that we couldn't have dine anything about had we had unlimited resources to try to cure her. RIP Patches - I hope animals are in heaven :)

The last biggest event that I will mention is that I started my PhD classes. WOW- can it be that they are as difficult yet not as bad as I thought all at once???? I love the interaction with my classmates (although I feel very intimidated at times- they are SOOO smart), but find it hard to keep up with all of the reading....good thing I love to read, and leadership is a passion of mine. Johnson University has really impressed me with the quality of the program, and how genuine the staff is. While I loved some of the work that I did at Liberty (and was thankful for the opportunity to complete my MA with them), sometimes the atmosphere was stifling, with a small amount of pretension. The atmosphere at Johnson has been completely different, and I am really looking forward to what I am going to learn on this journey.

That's all for now- but stay tuned  :)

Why I Love Country Music

Scott strongly dislikes country music. If he had to choose between a root canal and listening to the twangs of a country song, I think he would choose the root canal. But, I love it…I don’t mean the new stuff that sounds more like pop music, either. I want to hear the classics….George Jones, Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lynn, and anything from the 80s (wasn’t that a great decade???)- Reba, George Strait, Martina McBride…not to mention the southern gospel roots in some choruses.

I love it because it is part of who I am. I spent most of my childhood and early adult years running away from heritage. I wanted to be anyone but who I was. The older I get now, the more I embrace my history and how it has shaped the person I have become.

My family (on all sides) is a musical family. I don’t think there is anyone on my mom’s side that can’t sing, play an instrument, or both. My (biological) father sings and for a long time my grandparents (his parents) traveled with a southern gospel group. My step-dad owned a music store and night club- he could play any instrument put in his hands, but we never asked him to sing J

When I hear the melodic tones of a country song I remember those times with my family. Granny Murphy’s on Sundays “picking & singing”….going with Granny & Papa Rowland to their friends’ houses where they inevitably  would make us sing solos, or Papa just sitting around playing his guitar. I think about walking into the House of Music and listening to the latest jam session (made up of whatever musician happened to stop by that day)…or going by the club (Night Life) and hearing my momma sing with the band. I could never forget playing “the Contest” with my uncle Clay when he would babysit us (think Name that Tune).

I do like other styles of music, but it is the sound of steel guitars and rich harmonies of country music that reminds me most of my childhood, and stirs up memories too sweet to ignore. If that’s not reason enough to love it, I don’t know what is.

Submissive Obedience

Without submission we cannot be obedient...this is a huge struggle for a control freak like me. I believe in Jesus, I love the Lord and realize that without Him I would be someone that NO ONE would like. But, I am not always as submissive or obedient as I should be when He tells me to do something. Most of the time it is because I am afraid of not knowing the outcome, sometimes it's just because I am lazy or want things my way (did I mention that I am stubborn, too?). No matter what my excuse, though, I know in my heart that the Lord wants what is best for me, He knows where He wants to take me. Right now, He wants to take me on a journey...

A journey to heal the physical and emotional battle I am struggling with right now (you know it's all down hill after 40 - haha), a journey where He can reveal the plan that He has for me in my career, a journey where He can work in the hearts of my children and make them the men He wants them to be. In order to embark on this journey I have to be transformed by the renewing of my mind so that I can prove what is the acceptable will of God (Romans 12:2). I will have to be submissive and obedient. Have I mentioned that this is a weakness for me? 

Anytime the Lord wants me to start changing things my fear level goes up...anyone who has been a Christian any amount of time knows that satan will some full force to try and hinder the work God wants to do. Everything that could happen runs through my mind, and I start to dwell in the "what ifs"...have you read the story of Job? 

But, the Lord won't let me go. Even though I wine and complain, I know that in this journey the Lord will answer my questions, give me direction, and show me great and mighty things that I do not know Jeremiah 33:3). While I am still afraid, I know the end will be worth it, and I am sure my poor husband is praying that I learn all about being submissive and obedient :) 

What I Gave up with my BMW

Recently I traded my BMW 328i for a more practical (and less expensive) Ford Escape. People keep asking me how I like my new car, and I respond that I "like it."

It doesn't have heated leather seats, it doesn't have the beautiful interior. I miss that the mirrors automatically adjust when I am backing up. It doesn't have a power seat on the passenger side, and it doesn't have separate heat/air controls for the back seat, or a sunroof. It doesn't drive like a BMW either....power, smoothness, control- BMWs are really fun to drive.

But, it also doesn't have the pride factor. With the BMW there was a certain air around me...like, "look at me, I drive a BMW." Or, a constant nagging wondering what everyone thought, or if my BMW impressed them. I had a constant battle going on inside me about why this car was important to me, and I didn't like the truth when I allowed myself to be honest about it. I don't want to be prideful, but having this car, for me, was a pride issue. It became something that tried to define me rather than a blessing. I have struggled enough with finding who I am outside of Christ. I don't need a car that exalts me. The freedom that I have from these thoughts and feelings is something that I LOVE about my new car.

I am not saying that I will never own another BMW (and my husband still has one). Perhaps the Lord will allow me to later on, but for now I will be happy with my little Escape. It does have more room, a backup camera, and (my favorite) satellite radio where I can listen to 80s/90s Country Music to my hearts content.

Psalm 139:23-24
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Dreary Days

Today is a rainy, dreary day in East TN, and I don't mean just because of the gloomy weather. All day long my heart has been heavy with the knowledge of a tragedy that struck our community. This prompted me to think of all of the other unhappy happenings going on around me...
There is a a child custody case hanging overhead threatening to unravel the stability of a child with the intent not being for the betterment of the child, but to satisfy the selfishness of the non-custodial parent...a close friend who is mourning the loss of a best friend to a terrible disease...another dear friend who desperately wants to be a mom, but finds every pregnancy end in miscarriage...a mother who mourns not only the sudden loss of one child, but the loss of her only two children, and friends (my son included) who mourn the loss of their beloved friends...none of this makes sense, and we ask, "where is God?"

The Bible tells us to, "rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion," Romans 12:15-16. 

In any of the circumstances we can form our own opinions, we can judge, we can be critical, we can say how we would, or it should be handled, but the truth is, that is not what we are supposed to do. We are supposed to lift one another up, show grace and mercy, show love. I cannot imagine what my friend who finds her self childless feels, I cannot imagine the nightmare that this mother, who I only know as the mom of one of my son's friends, is living...if we cannot count on each other for stability and comfort in our most desperate times, then we have failed as a church. If those who are hurting cannot come to us then we learned nothing from the life Jesus exemplified. 

Leaving Familiar

Exodus 3:10-12

“Come now, therefore, and I will send you to Pharaoh that you may bring My people, the children of Israel, out of Egypt. But Moses said to God, ‘Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?’ So He said, ‘I will certainly be with you. And this shall be a sign to you that I have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain.’”

How many times do we feel the Lord leading us out of the familiar and sending us into some unknown place that we feel afraid to enter or to a call that we feel inadequate in filling?

Surely Moses was quite content to stay in Midian with his family and tend sheep. It was comfortable, it was familiar, it was routine. It didn't require much thought and certainly did not involve confronting Pharaoh. 

Before we got married Scott and I decided that it made more sense for Zachary to change schools rather than leave the boys at separate schools, or move Eli. I thought that I was OK with this until orientation at our new school. Then the reality that I had left the comfortable, familiar and routine hit me.

While walking through the school among teachers and administrators that I did not know, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being out of place. The longer I was there, the more I felt like I didn't belong. I missed knowing the teachers and principals. I missed knowing the other parents and students. It was all I could do not to break out in tears right in the middle of meeting Zach’s teacher!

On the way home I couldn't hold the tears any longer, and I just began to cry. Poor Scott thought he had accidentally said something wrong! (He is such a sweetheart). I told him that I was fine, and tried to get a grip! In the midst of all this emotion, I thought, “Isn't this how it is with the Lord? He asks us to leave the familiar in order for Him to take us to a better place?”

Just like with Moses. It wasn't easy for him to go to Pharaoh. It wasn't easy to lead the Children of Israel out of Egypt. But, he did it despite being nervous or feeling inadequate. God had greater plans for Moses and His children. He has greater plans for us! 

I realize that changing schools is not near as big of an ordeal as Moses faced. However, it lends to the same concept of stepping out of our comfort zones. It is not always the easy thing to do, but it always rewards with opportunities that might not otherwise have come to pass. I learn and grow. I become stronger in my faith. I become a better woman, mother, and now, hopefully, wife. I let go of being comfortable for the sake of pursuing all that God has for me.  

I am still a little anxious about the change, but I believe that as with all the other times the Lord as taken me away from the familiar, good things will certainly come.